The Scent

How much does scent matter in romance? I have wondered this over the last few years as I have dated since divorcing. My mom has a theory that certain people have "The Scent." We used to tease my aunt that she had it because men would swarm around her.  We did not think she had an actual scent, but men seemed especially attracted to her. Could have been her blond hair and blue eyes?

But, some people do seem to have an ACTUAL scent that is particularly attractive to others.

I have encountered 4 men over the years that have "The Scent" that I find inexplicably attractive in a way that is intoxicating.  The first time was T. in High School.  I loved his scent. One day I came home from school and said, "is T. here? I smell him."  He had been at my house while I was out and surprised me by leaving flowers and balloons.  Everyone felt like my sense of smell ruined his surprise.

Another time The Scent hit me was when I was in college. I was sitting in the lobby of my dorm when College Guy walked by and The Scent hit me like a brick to my head. I lost all sensibility and fell for him immediately. That crush lasted longer than it should have and I am fully convinced it was because of The Scent of him.  It wasn't his Joop cologne- although I loved that smell too- but it was his skin. His neck has this scent that I felt drunk from.

Oz didn't have The Scent. I stayed much more clear headed as I delved into marriage and family.
I bought him colognes and we finally both agreed on Ralph Lauren's Romance for Men. It was a nice smell, but it wasn't The Scent.  I think I was better able to navigate life when I wasn't caught up in the smell.

I did realize after we separated that although he didn't have THE Scent, he had A Scent. One that I was used to and found comforting. So I confiscated one of his shirts and slept with it under my pillow until I was able to get used to falling asleep on my own.

Up until that point, the two times I had experienced the rush of attraction to The Scent had seemed harmless. I was young and it didn't matter as much who I found attractive or why.
But, after divorcing I realized there was a  link between "The Scent" and toxic people/relationships.

I encountered Deli Guy. He worked at a place that I took refuge in when I needed somewhere to hide while Oz visited the kids in the beginning. Deli Guy was cute and friendly and after awhile we began dating. It was a disaster on so many levels.  I knew it a couple weeks in, but stayed with him for a few more months because he had The Scent. I couldn't get enough of him.

I dated a few other guys at that time because I knew Deli Guy was not The One.

But, shortly after that,  I met...The Wild One.  I felt a magnetic attraction immediately and when I got closer to him I picked up The Scent.  Stronger than I had ever smelt it or felt it.  All logic and rational thought was out the window.  Gone.   Years of toxicity and drama ensued.  Even when I was done, I wasn't.  If he stepped past the front door and I smelled The Scent it was over.

It's not cologne, its not laundry detergent. It is unexplainable.
Something just clicks in my brain and my judgment takes flight.

One man recently did not have any scent at all. Or at least I didn't think so.  My kids thought he did. They would say I smelled like him or his house.  My friend thought he did and randomly commented on it. She thought it was his laundry detergent.  I was shocked! I don't smell a scent. Nothing at all.

My friend suggested maybe that was to protect me. Like maybe my brain knows not to create a bond because this guy wasn't sticking around? Maybe it's a built in defense mechanism to shut off my sense of smell? Or maybe it is a chemical in my brain that didn't connect with his scent?
Or maybe I was able to see his genuine qualities more clearly and appreciate them without the fogginess of The Scent.

Hmmmmm....

Got me wondering...does everyone experience The Scent at one point or another?  Does it always mean toxic bonds? Has anyone ever known their partner was The One by their scent? Does Prince Charming have a scent?

Inquiring minds want to know...

The Nothings

When you willing participate in a dead end relationship, you know for certain one thing...it will eventually end.  When you are not the Wife, the Baby Mama or on the track to building a future with someone it is inevitable.  It may take 2.5 years, but eventually it ends. Even if you have a great time together and laugh more than you ever have with anyone, even if your lives become intertwined and your families create bonds. Even if you love his children and yours love him.  Even if you love his father and he helps take care of you and your children. Even if you spend nearly all of your free time together.  If you are not on the same path, it is essentially a Nothing relationship.

A Nothing relationship can be mutually beneficial in many ways. Many ways.  Some ways are practical, company, comfort, distractions, fun, entertainment.  Some ways are helpful like setting up better filing systems and taking care of cleaning and repair projects around the house. Having a different perspective on things, being with someone with a different kind of life experience can really teach you new things.

But, at some point The Nothings hit a crossroads. They have to decide to stay together or venture off independently.  And sometimes they venture off and try to find a better fit.  But, then they get back together. Sometimes this happens...oh 8 -10 times in 2 years. Each time much like the first.  Starts off great in the first few weeks. Missing each other makes the appreciation stronger. The attraction and chemistry is stronger than ever.

So the pattern continues and The Nothings try to build a relationship that works.  It does for awhile. Still knowing this is not the person we will be with in the future.  It is not the right fit, not the person I want to raise children with. But in the meantime, I WAS raising children with him. My children are influenced by him. My son dresses up for him for career day. My daughter is attached.  His son is one of my most favorite children on the planet and his enthusiasm and love of music is contagious!! His daughter is smart and strong and teaches me and my children that working hard and being independent is valuable!  His youngest child is a snuggle bug impossible not to love.

And yet...The Nothings return to the place of deciding. What's next? We went season by season.  Sledding in the winter, biking in the spring and summer, distractions. Cleaning projects, road trips, binging tv shows, grocery shopping, day to to life.

Eventually it came to the end of the road.  There was Nothing left but negotiating the furniture that would stay or go.  Kitchen and living room tables stay, outdoor equipment goes.

Starting over again. Not as difficult as Divorce because my children, my house, my job are all my own this time around.  But, harder in some ways.  That chemistry connection was off the charts and tied us to The Nothingness for a long time.  It is difficult to let go of.

Not difficult to let go of...the wondering, the what ifs, the extra laundry, the extra stress. The Nothingness.

So yesterday, after a 2 month separation, the last of the Nothingness went out.  The final stuff is removed from the garage. The extra bed and stuff in storage began to feel like a scene from the Tell Tale Heart (according to Oz.)  It was like the guy in the POE poem that felt like he heard a beating heart and started ripping up floor boards and it was just a watch.  The extra stuff felt like that this week. I needed it out. Time enough had passed. When it went out the door it felt like a relief. I could breath again.

However, the true wisdom came from my children.  When I told them back in December about the break up and the moving out of things in our house, they said, "Ok."

Umm...that's it??

Should not have asked...

One of my sons said, "I didn't like how he talked to you. He was grumpy and you are happy. You need happy."

My beautiful, strong Baby Doll said, "It wasn't a good relationship anyway."

And so that summed it up.  I can NEVER go back to Nothingness. They are always watching, listening and learning.

I am stronger than I have felt in a long time. My babies give me the strength to want more, to be better.
I am ready for SOMETHING, something real. Something meaningful.
I am awake now and when I look around I realize I have IT. I have this beautiful family. I have these people that love me, that I love.
I have my mom, my friends. They have been my pillars of support in all of this.
I have my aunts and cousins that are just surrounding me with love.
It felt good to have closure, to say no regrets, no hard feelings. Just it is what it is. It's all ok.
And now onto the next chapter.
That's the great thing about life.
There is always another chapter unfolding...

Wisdom from my Baby Doll

Dating with a family of young children can have some challenges. I have learned some lessons over the past year, some more than once. My children have learned too. It always amazes me just how smart they are and how much they understand. Dating with a family is interesting. For starters, everyone has an opinion. My kids are each so different and have their own interests and concerns and things that they like or dislike about people. They also have hectic schedules and live with me full-time which gives planning a date a whole new meaning. Especially when dating someone with their own young children.
Between coordinating time and going through the clearance levels of all co-parents/Exes involved and then actually finding a day, time and activity that works for everyone. Well... you arrive at the moment and there is the reality of actually managing a crew of small children with only 2 adults.

Finding someone that's good with Netflix and take-out dinner works well for me and the schedule of my little ones.  When we do go out with the whole Crew my children like the fun activities like go-carting, bumper boats, or long drives in the country.

But, along with the fun times there are struggles too.  Those are the times that I tried to protect them from. I worry about them getting attached to a man that might not be around long term. But at the same time they are with me all the time so they are going to meet people that I care about. And sometimes they will care about those people too. Sometimes arguments happen and/or relationships end. Children are aware of it all no matter how hard you try to shield them.

One of my friends told me her Ex gets concerned when she introduces her daughter to a boyfriend because he doesn't want her to learn that men leave.

Heartbreaking.

But, the reality is people leave sometimes. And...Single Moms date. Women with children have the right to have people in our lives, but with that right comes great responsibility.  Our children deserve honesty. There is a fine line between not introducing a new person because it is too soon and outright lying to children when a relationship is ongoing.

I try to balance it. They have only known one person that I have dated since I've been divorced. He has been in and out of our lives over the past year and a half. They know him enough to care. But, not so well that he is part of their daily lives.

The difficult part of dating as a family is that you are trusting someone with your childrens' hearts. When the relationship ends it affects them.

Since I have known the Wild One, we have taken "breaks" a few times.

Sometimes it affects the kids and sometimes they barely notice.  It depends on the degree of the incident  that caused the Time Out and the duration it lasts.

 The last time we were on a "break" in the early Fall, my kids didn't get to say goodbye to him or his children. We didn't see him for a month.  At first, I didn't mention it. I just let him fade out. My sons didn't seem to notice that we hadn't seen him in a while. Although one of them asked about his son on a regular basis.

But, Isabella is a little different. I was worried because she seemed to get more attached. She liked to have dinner with us when he visited, she thinks he's funny and looked forward to spending time with his children. One time Bella asked to call him to say goodnight, but it went to voicemail and she was too shy to leave a message.  After that, she never asked again.

When I first started having him around the kids, I had tried not to encourage any type of dependency on him. I didn't want the kids to think we needed him or had to count on him for anything. Despite that effort to assure everyone of my independence and capability,  my boys started to think that anything that goes wrong around the house we would just call him and he would fix it. Which was true, but I didn't want them to think there was no other way for me to handle things on my own.

Over time, I began to realize it is ok to need someone and to rely on them. As I came to that conclusion and became more comfortable asking for help when I needed it, my children opened up too.

At one point right before our "Autumn Break,"  the Wild One had made Isabella a promise. Trouble had been brewing in our relationship and I was afraid he would break his promise to her.   He told her he was going to to build her something for her birthday and even showed her the designs he had drawn. She was excited about it.

But, a few weeks before her birthday we took a break and the promise broke too.
When I told her that she was not going to get the gift that had been discussed, she handled it very well.
She was helping me scrub the tub at the time.  She just shrugged and said, "Well we have other friends that love us and that's what matters."   Smart little lady!  She just scrubbed away any disappointment she may have been feeling.

He had called and offered to fulfill his birthday promise to her, but in the moment I was being stubborn and refused his offer.  I wasn't ready at that moment to let him back in.

Eventually the Autumn Break ended and The Wild One has been back in our lives.  Isabella was more cautious this time around. She took longer to warm back up to him.  She still thinks he is funny and still loves when his kids visit.  But, she wasn't seeking him out like she did before.

She is wise beyond her years and instinctually knows to protect her heart.  It bothers me that she is learning this lesson so young.  It amazes me how children really learn what to expect from people based on their actions.  The old saying is true…actions speak louder than words.  The more the Wild One shows he is reliable, the more my children accept that he is. But, with caution.

Recently the Wild One made it up to Isabella by going out of his way to do something very thoughtful for her.  She was very appreciative of his effort. The next day, she was struggling with assembling something and decided she would leave it to the side to ask for his help next time she saw him.

 Faith in someone is a beautiful thing to see restored! However, it makes it all the more heartbreaking when the relationship ends.

Life lessons are tough. Dating with a family involved is tough.  Trusting people is tough.  But it can be worth it!  New people add new ideas, new opportunities, new experiences.

People do leave, relationships end. People argue and sometimes see life differently. There might not be a happily ever after every time. Maybe it is not about protecting children from that idea that makes them better?  Maybe it is about  teaching them how to be resilient that makes them stronger? I want them to know that caring about someone is worth taking a risk. I don't want them to be afraid to love and to trust and to enjoy the people around them.

Maybe it's a good lesson, maybe not.

Either way I am going save money for when they all grow up and need therapy and blame me for everything that ever went wrong in their lives just in case.

~Broken Gurus ~

My two Gurus broke up. I am once again faced with the reality that love can't fix everything. It's heartbreaking all around. Tammy and Brian are what I refer to as Soul Mates.  I have been friends with Tammy for over 20 years. She met Brian two years ago through a friend. Shortly after they started dating he introduced himself and told me that he was going to be a keeper because "he can put down the thunder." I knew then that Tammy had met her match. They are so similar that it is almost as if they are the male and female form of one soul. They share the same high energy and love for life.They are one of the craziest, funniest couples I know. Their chemistry is off the charts.

I have often wondered- Is there really truelove? Does it exist outside of fairy tales? If it does exist, what does it look like? Over the years I have only known two couples that I believe have TRUE love. This couple was one of them.  I saw it. But, it's always easier to see it when you are just an observer. It seems that often the two people in the relationship can't see past their own insecurities enough to realize that their match is looking at them like they are the Sun at the center of the universe. It is so obvious when they are together that he just loves her so much. The way that he looks at her and talks about her shows it. He is loving to her kids and supportive of everything she juggles in her personal and professional life. She loves him so much too and not just because she appreciates his muscles and impeccable grooming, although that is what she will say if you ask her.

In the beginning of their relationship, I didn't hang out with Tammy and Brian as often as I do now.  Life was different two years ago because I was still entrenched in the Stay at Home Mom life and in an almost decade long marriage. A lifetime ago it seems now. Back then, I would see them every few weeks or months and always laughed and enjoyed their company and could tell they were well suited. Tammy looked happier than I had seen her in years! Brian seemed like a really nice guy.

It wasn't until the shit hit the fan in my life and my marriage crumbled that I realized how strong they were as a couple and how essential their friendship would be to saving me from a nervous breakdown.

When I showed up on Tammy's doorstep in pieces one afternoon, she and Brian took me in. At first, they were disbelieving like everyone else. They tried talking me into going home and working it out. Then it set in. There was no going back. So Tammy started mixing the chocolate martinis. My friend Shannon showed up and Brian joined us at the table. Tammy and Brian have both been divorced and Shan's parents are divorced so she had that perspective. That afternoon turned into a friendship cementing moment. Nothing bonds a group of friends together like a collective emotional breakdown. Brian said he felt like it was a "freaking Oprah episode."  We all cried. Then we laughed. Then I panicked and my mind raced in circles.

The reality was I had made the fatal mistake that Tammy had warned me about. I let a man own me. I lived in his house, I drove his car, my debit card was connected to his bank account. Thankfully Tammy never said, I told you so.  I was on the edge and about to find out how the thin the line was between love and hate. I couldn't help thinking I would lose everything. My worst fear was what if I lost my kids? Without a job or a place to live would I lose them?

Brian was the voice of reason. He assured me that he had been divorced twice. He said during his second divorce he sat in the court room and watched 20 divorces be processed and the mothers NEVER lost custody of their kids. He said I had to stop the irrational thoughts and keep myself focused. He said the Stay at Home Mothers in the state we live in are the Elite and that I would leave my marriage with my children and everything I needed to raise them.

I felt so much better after that because I knew he was speaking from experience. He also told me that  he remembered the day his marriage fell apart and he drove away.  His little girl sat on the front porch waving to him and he felt like driving off a bridge. He told me to be compassionate to my husband because he was the one that was going to lose his family life. Be kind, take the high road he said.  Over the months and months that followed those words would come back to me as we negotiated our divorce. In the back of my mind I kept hearing Brian say that I would be fine, the kids would be fine. Be compassionate.

In the end my fears amounted to nothing more than my own paranoia because Oz and I worked through our shit in the best way possible and he never, ever made me feel like he would not take care of the kids or me. In fact I ended up with the house, the car, the kids and all the debt that goes along with it. Life is good!  The advice Brian and Tammy gave me helped me stay sane. I think it helped us get through a tough time without making it worse than it had to be.

From that point on, Tammy and Brian have become my Divorce Gurus. I have relied on them for advice and wisdom regarding co-parenting, rebuilding my life, and learning how to be single again.

The great thing about hanging out with your good friend and her boyfriend is that the guy becomes like  one of the girls, but can still give you the male perspective. He knows all of your secrets because you either forget he is not one of the girls and tell him or your friend tells him everything you confide in her. Either way he knows. He knows you and all your crazy shit. Because he is in love with your friend, you don't care that he knows you are crazy. He sees you without your make-up, in your fat pants, crying until your face is covered in snot. And you don't care. He knows the real you and all of your shit, so he gives you honest opinions. Even when you don't ask.

In the beginning of my New Life, Brian would tell me I would be difficult to date because I am a "paranoid." Which means I fear crazy, stalker, psychos that might come near my children. I only want them to meet men that I know for sure have been finger printed and background checked (it makes the dating pool very small.)

Tammy and Brian decided they were brave enough to take on helping me navigate the Single World after a decade of being out of the game. They had no idea how challenging it would be.

Tammy told me I needed tighter jeans.
Brian told me to stop wearing turtlenecks to the beach and start putting "the big guns" on display with v-neck shirts. We shopped and shopped and revamped my wardrobe.
Then they started encouraging (really more like forcing) me to go out. We went to restaurants and bars and met up with friends and just made socializing part of my New Life.

Prior to the divorce my social life consisted of drinking decaf coffee at the preschool playgroups. I had spent so many years trying to get pregnant or being pregnant that I almost completely gave up alcohol and caffeine. I had to build back up a tolerance to alcohol. Tammy encouraged me to pick a drink and stick to it. We tried all different places and crowds including country line dancing, beaches, music events. One thing my Gurus know about is entertainment.

I am not their only protégée.  They have a couple other single friends that need to work on their social skills.  So sometimes we would meet up with them. My Gurus seriously could start a business helping out the singles.

As the year went on I got stronger. I worked, I tried to eat a smidge healthier. I found some babysitters that are essential to my mental health. I got out more.

But, I was not quite ready to step out of my comfort zone.  My Gurus tried to get me to break out of my shyness. They would even line it up so all I had to do was say hello or smile at someone new.

Tammy and Brian are skilled Hunters in the Dating Game. The are both very flirtatious and friendly.  It is in their nature to meet and greet every person in a 10 mile radius of themselves. I could not be more opposite. It makes it interesting. Especially when we are out and they are scanning a room or area for a prospective guy for me. What ends up happening is that they zone in on a guy, they make eye contact and start to reel him in for a conversation. The next thing you know the guys is so confused because he can't remember how he got into the conversation and he can't tell if Tammy or Brian or both want to have sex with him. It's hilarious!

Brian is what Tammy refers to as a "cockblocker."  He has a Magic Mike body type and is the epitome of an Alpha Male. No man is going to walk up to chat with any woman near Brian. Even when we go out with a group of 4 or 5 women and just Brian, there is no doubt that men are not taking a chance to approach any of us.  He doesn't do it on purpose and he can't understand why we think it, but it's true. But,  I love to hang out with them.We usually laugh so much my face hurts.   It's very entertaining, but has not actually helped me to meet men.

They have helped me with dating in other ways though like getting my confidence built back up and giving me advice on what to wear and ideas of where to go etc. They also motivate me to eat healthier and once even got me to exercise.

They were very proud of me when I finally went out on my first date. Although they have not been shy to show their disappointment in how awkward I was. I tried not to tell them some of my less than fine dating moments, but they are relentless and you can't keep anything from them. They laughed and mocked me for a long time.  They tried to prep me better for future dates, but I do sometimes still  manage to disappointment them. (Those stories are for another day though.)

Basically Brian told me not to play with puppies. Stick with the big dogs because they know how to bring it.  Tammy tells me not take any shit and there are plenty of fish in the sea so if they can't tow the line keep moving. I try to keep all of the metaphors straight and make good choices. But, sometimes…I don't.

A few months ago Brian said he was proud of me because I am finally done being the divorced woman and now I am just single again.  He said he was sick of me being broken. I guess that means I am better. I take that as a high compliment.

Of course they both think I have a lot more work to do. Brian told me the other day that I have to set high standards. But, don't be so picky.  (I still have to figure out what the hell that means.)

Unfortunately, now that Gurus have broken up it's sink or swim time. I have to take what they have taught me and start to apply it on my own.

I feel a little like a 5 year old when their parents split up.
When trouble seemed to be brewing between Tammy and Brian over the winter and they had a separation, I was devastated. I felt like I was going through divorce all over again. Our routine of starting Saturdays with Bloody Marys and Martinis was going to change. So would the Saturday afternoons of appetizers, laughter and more martinis. Of course, Tammy and I would still hang out on Saturdays. We would shop and laugh and eat and drink. But, we couldn't help feeling something was missing. The stability of the known was gone. It was once again unchartered territory. Tammy was back on the single scene which was interesting.  There is nothing like watching a Master at work.

But, I was secretly hoping they would reunite and live happily ever after. I had a difficult time accepting the break up. I ate a ton of chocolate chip cooke dough ice cream and mourned the loss of Hope.  If they couldn't make it work, then how could I ever believe in finding love again?

They did end up reuniting  after a few weeks. I was so happy for them. And for me. Hope was restored!  There are couples that fight for love!!

 But, in the end truelove does not fix it all. Life still happens. They broke up again a few weeks ago and this time feels more permanent. It is not all about finding truelove. It is about finding love and then figuring out if it's worth it. Sometimes it is. Sometimes people can overcome anything together. They can come out of a rough patch stronger than ever.

But, when is enough, enough?  When can't love fix it? When is it time to move on from it all? Do even soul mates end up apart?

They are both awesome and loving people. I hope that they will both move forward in life and hopefully find future happiness. But, I can't help holding on to hope. That tiniest bit of hope that they will work it out, that true love will prevail.