Tuesday, April 22, 2014

So What's Your Plan??

Every Saturday when I stop in to get breakfast, Deli Guy asks me, "What's your plan?"  Most weeks  I tell him I don't know. He thinks I am playing with him. But, the truth is I sometimes have no freaking idea what I am doing. He usually means my plan for the day, like immediately after leaving the deli what will I do. It is a simple question. There should be a simple answer.  I don't always know. Often my plan is ~ make it through the work week without getting fired, make sure I keep the kids fed and clean and exhale on Friday. Say goodbye to the kids on Saturday morning as they leave with their Dad. Then get breakfast at the deli. End of plan.

Deli Guy seems so disappointed when I don't have a plan to share. Sometimes I am tempted to make one up. But, I don't.  Sometimes he will suggest- are you going shopping? getting your nails done? Taking a road trip? Those sound like good ideas and sometimes I incorporate them into my day.  However, in general after I eat breakfast I usually get in my car and then figure it out from there. It depends on my mood, who is around to hang out with, what events I must attend, what I can skip, etc.  Sometimes I do have something planned, but don't feel like doing whatever it is. So plans change.

Now that it has been months and months of no plan,  Deli Guy is starting to wonder not only what will I do when I walk out the door of the building, but what will I do with my life?

Who knows?!

Is it important to have a plan?

I used to think there was a significance to it. I mean a Life Plan seemed like a big deal in my 20s.  I
planned to find The One, get married, have babies, buy a McMansion, travel the world, hopefully have a meaningful career, live happily ever after. I checked a few things off the list so far. More traveling is still in my plan. I am convinced (maybe naively) that happily ever after exists so it's still part of the plan.

And….some things you just cannot plan for.

There is a quote floating around that I love, "Tell God your plan and he will laugh." So true!
Really does anyone have a plan? Even if you do, does it matter? Life can change in an instant and so what was the whole point of the plan?

I do feel like a loose plan for the general living of life has some meaning. Like my "5 year plan" is to survive the day to day, keep my house and make sure my kids can stay in the same school, hopefully not drown in debt, don't screw the kids up too much and pray that somehow they stay awesome.  Also, discover the people, places and things that inspire me to live life to the fullest. That seems like a good plan. I have 4 more years to see if I achieve those lofty goals.

Beyond that? God only knows.

Plans are different after Divorce. Also, life changes after you watch a parent battle Cancer in the their brain. I have learned that nothing is forever. Nothing is set in stone. Life is ever changing and fluid. No contract can protect you. There are no guarantees.

That is not necessarily a bad thing.

Most of the time I feel like I took a flying leap off a very high cliff and I have been falling through the air with no landing in sight. Perpetually free falling is exhausting and knowing there is no safety net is scary.

But, there is freedom in not having a set plan. When it's not exhausting and scary, developing a new plan is exciting and fun. Who knows where it will lead.

I started my Saturday trips to the deli to escape my house after the apocalypse of my personal life. It was to get out from where disaster had struck, to avoid the inevitable arguments that came with close proximity.  After, the dust had settled and life regained a new sense of normalcy I realized I liked the deli and the staff is insightful. Much cheaper than therapy and the coffee is incredible.

It cracks me up that Deli Guy still thinks I have an amazing Master Plan hidden within me somewhere. At least I appear to be someone that knows what the hell I am going to do with my life. It gives me hope that maybe I do.

I may not have a fully developed plan together yet, but I have a motto: Hope Floats Bitch!
The rest we will have to see about...

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