While cleaning today, I got sidetracked when I found an old journal. It was from 2011. The last year my family was intact. It was surreal to read it and hear myself worry about how I would ever get caught up on laundry and dishes and wondering would Bella ever sleep past 5 am? If only I knew then that it would be the last year of my family together, would have I worried less about the chores? Would have done anything different? I sounded so tired in my journal entry, all I could write about was how I hadn't slept much in what felt like years. I was feeling overwhelmed and fat. Home with 3 kids under 5, I was absolutely exhausted. But, I still had hope. I was writing about the weekend and a playgroup I was taking the kids too. I was going to see my parents and have dinner with them. I was still planning the future with certainty.
Reading the journal was sort of like watching a suspenseful movie- I want to shout- stop! Look around you! You're about to walk into some major shit!
But 2011 was about laundry, dishes, family vacations and playgroups. I had life figured out. I had a plan.
I didn't know what was coming...
Over that next year, my father got sick, my marriage fell apart and the life I once knew and loved disappeared.
In the 7 years since then I have gotten divorced, my dad died, I was diagnosed with MS, work became my life and in my spare time I began a toxic 4 year on/off relationship and it all eventually took a toll on me and my whole life.
In the 7 years since then I have gotten divorced, my dad died, I was diagnosed with MS, work became my life and in my spare time I began a toxic 4 year on/off relationship and it all eventually took a toll on me and my whole life.
The hope seemed gone.
Slowly over time, I have built a new life. It's not the life I dreamed of for me and my kids. But, with some re-imagining it's not too bad. The kids are pretty well-rounded, funny, smart and loving and a bit quirky. With the support of a great school community we all made it through the dark days and we're still standing.We couldn't have done it without my mom, brother, sister-in-law, cousins, and the friends who have become our family. It helps that my ex-husband has an amazing wife who fit right into our family and they both help me immensely. Our village has changed and grown and continues to evolve.
Today is the anniversary of my divorce. I remember standing in the court room that day, shaking and feeling like I was going to pass out. I heard the judge asking us questions and then finally pronouncing us both single. And I thought...now what?
I left that day with no idea what the future would bring and most days I still don't know. I don't have that reliable daily pattern anymore or a future plan. But, at least it's not hour by hour or even day by day anymore. Now I plan a month or so at a time. Today, I even started to think about summer which is still a few months away.
Progress. Hope Floats!
