Isn't She Lovely?

When she was born, we rejoiced as many new parents do.  We sang, "Isn't She Lovely" in loud, off key voices.  She has a sweet, gentleness that we felt from the moment her tiny eyes opened. The doctor told me I couldn't go to the NICU to see her because I had pre-eclampsia and needed meds for 24 hours first.  But, I insisted and finally they relented and wheeled my whole bed over to the NICU so I could glimpse her face for a few minutes.  She was so brand new and had ointment on her eyes, but she managed to open them and look right at me.  I felt every bit of myself falling for her.  It was all over after that.  I held her nearly constantly for months. I spent as much time as humanly possible with her, while also wrangling her twin brothers who were toddlers at the time.  Eventually I went from wearing her in a sling to pushing her in a stroller.  And then, one day I realized she was over a year old and walking.  At nearly 3, she had to go to school so I could work.  I thought my heart would break and never heal when I dropped her off. But, she wasn't far. I took her with me to the school I work at and we are still there together 7 years later.

As she approaches turning 10, I feel like I can no longer look at her as the tiny toddler I dropped off that first day at school.  It really hit me this summer that my Baby Doll is growing up.

She has been spending a ton of time with our Cousin and her baby aka Little Cute Man.  She has taken to caring for Little Cute Man as a Helper, when my Cousin needs to get things done around the house.  She holds, changes, feeds and plays with him.  One day I went to pick her up and she was carrying that 1 year old on her hip like a pro. I was holding my breath as she trotted down the stairs with him. How can she be strong enough to lift him and keep her balance on the stairs when she is just a baby herself?? But, she quickly reminded me...SHE ISN’T A BABY ANYMORE.

I was still in disbelief until we babysat Little Cute Man together one night.  Any time I went near him he cried and ran to Baby Doll.  She had to pick him up and comfort him. She did all the care taking while I sat in the background.

That's when it hit me...SHE IS NOT A BABY ANYMORE!

She recently spent some overnights with our Cousin as well. In her absence, we all realized how much Baby Doll does around our house.  I was late for work and forgot my bag that she would normally have packed for me and had waiting by the door. The frog and the dog looked at me expectantly as I rushed around that morning because she normally feeds them.  the Twin Goofballs didn't take vitamins because their sister reminds them each morning. The dog poop didn't get scooped because she is is the only one that will do it without gagging and complaining (and because she earns money to buy more lip glosses.)

She organizes our bulletin boards with important papers and info we need for school, work and life.  She is the only one that knows how to get onto the Wifi because she has the password on a post-it.  She is the only one that thinks of lining the bathroom garbage can with a bag to make it easier to empty. She has an endless supply of envelopes she lets me borrow because I never remember to get them at the store.  She taught the dog to problem solve with a new puzzle toy.  She reminds everyone to brush their teeth at night...even the dog.  She folds towels like a professional laundress. She always has a fresh Sharpie ready to label everything. She stocks the First Aid kit on a regular basis ( I didn't even know we HAD a first aid kit!) She has created a mixture of soap plus water so it dispenses the perfect foam and she refills it without being asked.

I'm not sure where she gets the organization and forethought.  Certainly not from me or Oz.
But, I am thankful  "she's got skills" as she says. Her teacher told us, "She has the beauty and the brains!"

I love hearing her insights too. She gives good advice, even if I don't ask for it.  She is very quiet and reserved, but when she speaks watch out. She does not waste words.

For the most part she is positive when she offers her thoughts.  But, she is vocal when it comes to her dislike of my bathing suit choices or certain men in my life.  She has distinct qualities she likes in people and if you are dishonest or break a promise she will cross you off her list forever.

She has developed her own line of  lip balm and is an
avid artist. She styles outfits like a Fashionista.

She hasn't decided yet what she will be in the future,  but in the running: Teacher, Congresswoman, Lawyer, Doctor or Owner of a Cat Salon.

Whatever she may be, "I Will Love Her Forever and Like Her For Always!"

Furnishings

 If you lined up the guys I have found attractive, you wouldn't think I have a TYPE. At first glance, they seem very different. The way I connected with each is unique too.

Over the years some have meant more than others. Some were better as friends, others are stories that are only funny long after the fact.

But, 3 matter most to me because they have had an impact on who I am becoming.

One was an emotional connection, one was a physical connection and one was a soul connection.  If they were merged, they would be the perfect man.


Yet despite their differences, they are very much the same.  They are Protectors, nurturing, creative, funny, great story tellers and charismatic.  I do love charisma.  I have loved each of them to different degrees and in different ways.

 None of those 3 were The One,  but I found a bit more of myself from the lessons they taught me.

They have each gone on to different directions, new lives, fresh starts. But, I am reminded of those lessons when I reflect on how much of my home was furnished in their wake.

I have not lived with them all, yet my home contains pieces of them.

One left behind dressers and bunk beds for my boys and a poop emoji pillow.

Another left a kitchen table, TVs, tv stands, end tables, a washing machine, a giant ramp for toy car races, a bed for my daughter, a trampoline, a shop vac, some custom made bookshelves and a Unicorn.

The other gave me some fans, a lamp,  a robotic garbage can and a teddy bear.

Now don't get me wrong...2 of those men have made me so mad at various times, that I took great joy in throwing out some of their belongings. A well-worn orange Nike shirt was my favorite things to shove in a garbage bag. And I will never, EVER miss the 6 foot plastic Christmas tree.

But, the parts that I kept seemed to fit. I accepted them and have made them my own.

I used to think that being the one to stay meant that I was stuck, like I was tied down somehow with no escape.  But, as I learn from each lesson, I gain a better understanding of myself.

Being stable, having a strong foundation for me and my children...it's not being stuck.  It is a choice and because I have built that foundation so strong... I can stay. I have the freedom to stay and build. I don't need to leave in order to restart. I take the pieces of what I have around me and I add on to that life and to this home that I have made.

In staying, I have restarted over and over, but each time I am not back at zero.  I restart from where I left off, sometimes a little more wary, a little more ragged. But, more often than not I continue on stronger, smarter, and more alive that I used to be. I finally realized somewhere along the way, I have actually become content in my house and within myself.

These comforts of home remind me of what I have chosen to keep as I move forward on my path.

I value the insights, the lessons, and the furnishings I have picked up along my way.

The Scent

How much does scent matter in romance? I have wondered this over the last few years as I have dated since divorcing. My mom has a theory that certain people have "The Scent." We used to tease my aunt that she had it because men would swarm around her.  We did not think she had an actual scent, but men seemed especially attracted to her. Could have been her blond hair and blue eyes?

But, some people do seem to have an ACTUAL scent that is particularly attractive to others.

I have encountered 4 men over the years that have "The Scent" that I find inexplicably attractive in a way that is intoxicating.  The first time was T. in High School.  I loved his scent. One day I came home from school and said, "is T. here? I smell him."  He had been at my house while I was out and surprised me by leaving flowers and balloons.  Everyone felt like my sense of smell ruined his surprise.

Another time The Scent hit me was when I was in college. I was sitting in the lobby of my dorm when College Guy walked by and The Scent hit me like a brick to my head. I lost all sensibility and fell for him immediately. That crush lasted longer than it should have and I am fully convinced it was because of The Scent of him.  It wasn't his Joop cologne- although I loved that smell too- but it was his skin. His neck has this scent that I felt drunk from.

Oz didn't have The Scent. I stayed much more clear headed as I delved into marriage and family.
I bought him colognes and we finally both agreed on Ralph Lauren's Romance for Men. It was a nice smell, but it wasn't The Scent.  I think I was better able to navigate life when I wasn't caught up in the smell.

I did realize after we separated that although he didn't have THE Scent, he had A Scent. One that I was used to and found comforting. So I confiscated one of his shirts and slept with it under my pillow until I was able to get used to falling asleep on my own.

Up until that point, the two times I had experienced the rush of attraction to The Scent had seemed harmless. I was young and it didn't matter as much who I found attractive or why.
But, after divorcing I realized there was a  link between "The Scent" and toxic people/relationships.

I encountered Deli Guy. He worked at a place that I took refuge in when I needed somewhere to hide while Oz visited the kids in the beginning. Deli Guy was cute and friendly and after awhile we began dating. It was a disaster on so many levels.  I knew it a couple weeks in, but stayed with him for a few more months because he had The Scent. I couldn't get enough of him.

I dated a few other guys at that time because I knew Deli Guy was not The One.

But, shortly after that,  I met...The Wild One.  I felt a magnetic attraction immediately and when I got closer to him I picked up The Scent.  Stronger than I had ever smelt it or felt it.  All logic and rational thought was out the window.  Gone.   Years of toxicity and drama ensued.  Even when I was done, I wasn't.  If he stepped past the front door and I smelled The Scent it was over.

It's not cologne, its not laundry detergent. It is unexplainable.
Something just clicks in my brain and my judgment takes flight.

One man recently did not have any scent at all. Or at least I didn't think so.  My kids thought he did. They would say I smelled like him or his house.  My friend thought he did and randomly commented on it. She thought it was his laundry detergent.  I was shocked! I don't smell a scent. Nothing at all.

My friend suggested maybe that was to protect me. Like maybe my brain knows not to create a bond because this guy wasn't sticking around? Maybe it's a built in defense mechanism to shut off my sense of smell? Or maybe it is a chemical in my brain that didn't connect with his scent?
Or maybe I was able to see his genuine qualities more clearly and appreciate them without the fogginess of The Scent.

Hmmmmm....

Got me wondering...does everyone experience The Scent at one point or another?  Does it always mean toxic bonds? Has anyone ever known their partner was The One by their scent? Does Prince Charming have a scent?

Inquiring minds want to know...

The Kingdom of Ash

Sometimes you meet people for a reason...sometimes that reason is so you can meet their dog. When Neighbor moved in last year, I was petrified when I saw two big pit bull looking dogs inside of an electric fence perimeter. I  warned the kids to stay away from those vicious dogs. Never go near the perimeter or touch them or talk to them. Maybe do not even look at them cause what if they ran right through the invisible electric barrier.  The kids thought I was nuts! They couldn't wait to be friends with those dogs. But, I wasn't so sure. Anyone that visited me or walked by the house saw those two sitting there and were so scared! One friend wouldn't even get out of her car.

Eventually I met the dogs and realized they were just sweethearts that wanted to be my friend. As I got to know them better, I became particularly fond of Ash. She is so sweet and has these eyes that are so gentle and human like.  It's hard not to fall for her routine of cuteness and give her tons of love.

Overtime I became more attached to Ash. One day she was on the losing end of a battle with her sister dog and when I heard the noise I went running outside. I saw her lying on the ground with blood all over her neck and some instinct in me kicked in. I ran over to her and wanted to carry her home to take care of her. Of course I couldn't lift her and she was inside of an electric fence so it wasn't all that graceful. But, Neighbor brought her over to my house and Bella and I cleaned her up and snuggled her. I felt this bond with her when she looked at me. Like she knew I got what she was feeling.

Ash ended up staying with us and becoming part of our pack.  I am supposed the Pack Leader, but really she is our Furry Queen.  Me and the kids and Oz and Dorothy have all fallen for the charms of this little dog.  My brother too. He calls her The Unicorn because she is the most well behaved dog we have ever known.  Neighbor has trained her so she is a great listener, but as time goes on she is training us.

The kids had begged for years for a dog. But, I am not really an animal loving person. Also, I don't do well with responsibility or commitment. So the thought of keeping something else alive seemed like just too much for me.

But, Ash is different. She is a kindred spirit. She is an older dog so her energy is low like mine. She understands personal boundaries. So even though she shadows me everywhere I go, she does not get right in my face or lick me without permission.

Her personality is a lot like mine too. We are small and stubborn. We both like to to play with the big dogs even though we get hurt in the process.  And we don't really learn our lesson the first time around...or the second...or well at all. So we keep going back for more.

A few weeks after Ash moved in, we thought we would have her sister dog over for a play date.
BAD IDEA. Very bad. Within minutes together they were in a fight that looked like two lions on National Geographic ripping each other apart.

I did not stay calm. AT ALL.  In fact, I was the exact opposite of calm.

Neighbor was holding his dog by her back legs and kept yelling at me to grabbed Ash's legs like a wheelbarrow and pull her out of the fight.

Ummm...no. I couldn't stick my hands into a dog fight. I had met a women once that lost a thumb breaking up a dog fight. I wasn't going to do it.

So I just screamed and screamed.

Ash was so bloody and I thought she was going to be dead.  I just continued screaming until I finally got the courage to grab her legs and pull her.

Somehow we got in the house and I felt dazed. I know she is a dog. But, In my head she's a 2 month old baby.  My mom and Neighbor both think that's nuts since in dog years she is older than me. But, in my gut, I feel this instinct that I need to protect this dog like she is a human that came from my womb. It is insane.

Even insaner was when I heard the cops at my front door. Three neighbors had called the cops thinking one of my kids was getting hurt. So when I opened the door, it wasn't just the 2 cops on my porch...but they were up and down the entire street.  Once they saw that all of kids were ok, they calmed down a bit. But, it was a scary few minutes.

It was what my good friend refers to as... A Paper Pants Moment, as in "you are lucky you did not end up in the psych ward wearing paper pants."

Luckily, Oz loves Ash too. So he met me at the emergency vet. The conversation was funny when they had her registered as Oz's dog and I had to ask them to switch it cause she is my dog and he's my ex-husband.  "Ohhh?? So he's just her emergency contact?"  Yes something like that.

She healed quickly and fit right into the family.  She spends her days sleeping on the furniture I swore I would never allow a dog on.  She enjoys following me around and watching me put on my make up, get dressed, clean, drink coffee, sit, etc. She loves snuggling with the kids and licking Luccio's feet and face like he is her puppy.  She likes to sneak into Cenzo's Teen Cave and eat leftover pizza crust.
She shows off when we put on her tutu and call her pretty.
And LOVES rides in the car.  She is awful on leash but slowly we are teaching to walk "gentle" and "slow."  I take her to abandoned parks where there is little chance of running into other dogs- just in case.

We have all agreed that she needs a longer name fit for a Princess, or for when she is in trouble. So we have crowned her... Ashlyn Rose.  But, we still call her Ash most of the time.

I truly didn't think I could love having a dog.  But, I do. She is great company. She listens to all my stories and knows all my secrets. She has endless love to give and that is just what this family of Goofballs needed.  Cenzo said she gives him a reason to hang out with us instead of playing video games sometimes.  Luccio said he didn't know he could love a person so much.  I tried to explain to him that she isn't a person, but then we all laughed and laughed cause we remembered.. she is!