Not THAT Beautiful

His head rested on my lap, he'd been drinking and I thought he had fallen asleep. Then I heard him say softly, "You know you are beautiful. But, you are not THAT beautiful." My ears perked up.  What the hell was he saying to me?

He kept talking. He was saying...some women are the ones for the long term. You're kind and funny and caring and it's better to not be looking for someone that is just beautiful.

All I could hear was... ugly.

I pushed him off my lap and he sat up looking confused.

"What's the matter?" he asked as he tried to focus his eyes.

"Why are you telling me I am not beautiful?" I questioned.

"I never said that. I just meant you are MORE than beautiful.
I am giving you the highest compliment and you are pissed that I am not saying you are a just a sweet looking piece of ass?" he asked shocked.

He seemed genuinely confused. I felt genuinely offended.

Thankfully he fell back to sleep and didn't remember the conversation when he woke up.

We didn't rehash that topic, but in my mind I just keep hearing "you're not THAT beautiful."

The other day I was listening to the radio and I heard an interview and the guy was saying... my wife is so much more than beautiful.  She's kind, she's funny. She's the real deal."

It struck me how when I heard what this man was saying, I thought "wow how sweet!!"


But, hearing someone say it about me had hit a nerve.  Why?
Why couldn't I hear a compliment in that statement.
Where does that come from?
Is it because I don't believe I am beautiful?
Did I really think he was saying he doesn't think I am beautiful?

It started me thinking about... what is Beauty? Who is beautiful? How is it measured?
What does it mean to be not THAT beautiful? Or MORE than beautiful?

And why does it even matter to me what someone else thinks of me?

I must have some idea of what beauty is because I have taught my amazing little girl to have confidence in her beauty.   She 100% knows that she is BEAUTIFUL.  She is so sure of herself.  When she looks in the mirror she says "WOW,  I look good!"

And when she looks at me she says, "Mama you are SO beautiful!"

That little girl reminds me that beauty is in each of us.  We just need to believe it and let it show.

"Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself."  - Coco Chanel